Success.
Going to China. No more possible changes could be made. This time ticket cost me $1300.
Thanks for the support.

I had a Chinese fortune cookie today.
It says
You will be successful in everything...in bed
K, the there is no in bed part...
I hope it's right. I'm keeping it. One day if I look though my old things and find it, I could reflect my past.

Why is only my body in China? Because I don't have a soul.

I like to thank my mom's support. Who chose to love who I am and what I want instead of what she and other people want me to be. I must complete what I have started. Else I can never release myself from the guilt of the decision.

Since my blog is blocked in China, to post here I will have to proxy though. That means very few post for the next 2 months. I have a image of an hot Japanese chick to compensate for that.

It has to be the largest dilemma I have faced in my life.
I could either go to China, do my math, come back without a place to live and getting student loan for college, or
stay in US, and do my best at math, then have a place to live and get most of my college tuition covered by my parents

Cretan Labyrinth. School of Finiguerra

Nice work getting me to this point, Chao.

It all started with my plan to go to China study math intensively so I can get myself into USAMO, so I have a good college application. At least this is what I told my parents about.

My dad, opposed. He says I have too much to do in US. Intel Science Talent Search(STS) might be the better option, since I have a great mentor and he can help me with the research report a lot. that is, if I am in US while I'm writing it. The college essays should be done in US, so I can get my English teacher to correct my grammar and can personal ask teachers to write recommendation letters.
He also knows USAMO is in April, way too late for first year college application.
So he told me, if I aboard the plane next week, he will not welcome me in his house and I better find somewhere else to live.

Fair enough. He is a reasonable man. Because if he is paying so I can live in the house. It's perfectly ok to do this. I perfectly understand and I don't blame him at all.
I do even agree with what he said. It's true, maybe I have a better chance at STS and it might be easier to get into a better college if I just stay in US.

My mom, agreed, but she has no power and no money. She also want me to get into a good college, USAMO sounds nice to her.

Now it is up to me.

I lied.
I didn't lie about USAMO can help me with getting into good colleges.
I did lie about the motive for USAMO, which will lead me to study in China. It's not because USAMO helps with me getting into a good college, maybe even my dream one, MIT.
I want to take USAMO because I want to take it.

What I would like better? Getting into MIT or getting into USAMO?
I chose the latter.
I don't care about how suck my application will be and how I can never make into STS semi-final due to my absence from my mentor. It's not important. I don't like science anyway.
Why would I lie about my motivation?
My parents, biological ones and legal ones, only cares about what college I goes to, what I want to do isn't really important.

In the beginning, I did everything for MIT, until I later found the goal was not MIT, but USAMO.

I started my life many years ago, there is always an feeling of emptiness, I felt I'm worthless in every aspect. I thought that's because I'm not in an environment that can bring out my worth.
I'm inferior to people in many subjects, all humanities subjects and even science subjects. I don't see myself capable to create an artistic drawing, moving novel or start a scientific project. Those are not my things.
As I grow up, I still know what I'm good at. I'm bad at everything.
Until I joined Mathlete in 10th grade.
I'm actually good at something.
But even if I perform at top of the school in math, there are still other schools in Suffolk County can send out students that can beat me.
I still have doubt of how good I actually am. Again, I believe it's because of my environment constrained me. I have to go to MIT to finally grow freely.

I have been selected into Suffolk County All-Star Team and participate in ARML, I finally understand what I am suppose to do--math.
My performance at the AP test, considering never studied some of those subjects, are nice. Lead me to understand it isn't my environment. It is myself.

I need to know, who I'm I and what I'm capable of. When I first heard there are people out there take time to "search for who they are", I loled, I found it funny. "Only white people do that" was my comment. Fate is ironic. USAMO suddenly is above MIT. USAMO will prove how good I am in math. I can finally know I am valuable. USAMO will complete me.
If I tell this to my parents, they will lol.
"WTF? Search for your own worth? You want to know who you are? You taking USAMO just for the sake of taking it? Haha, you are joking right?"

I was meant to do mathematics, it's the best thing I can do. If I fail at that, what's the point of even going to good colleges. I don't deserve anything better than Stony Brook if 4 months of intensive study can't place me in top 500 in US.

The dilemma is placed in front of me. I have 5 days left.

I remember making jokes about dilemma. it's two lemmas. Math pun.
Irony.

The decision is hard...
Homeless is not the worst could happen to me. I fear the following if I did make to China.

Few weeks later, I'm crying in my bed silently about how I didn't improve enough to take on the preliminaries confidently. All my effort rated "Fail" because my overvaluation of my ability. Waking up the next day like nothing ever happened. Smiling while tell my parents that "I will make it" when the hope already died out.

USAMTS question is not that hard to me compare to 1 year before.

Homeless is the way to be.

In case anyone was asking...


If you try to assassinate me and fails, it would be great for my essay for MIT.

Essay A Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.

High school in China includes year 10 to 12. Students who want to get into a good high school have to take the middle school exam and score amazing on it. Each province or sometimes, cities, have their own exam.

This is one of the candidate problem for Beijing this year. It is suppose to be one of those questions that fail 99% of the student body in order to allow only elite to remain.
I saw it here[Chinese].
I tried the question and I was shocked how I suck at geometry. So I used a trigonometry solution, and in the end, using calculus.

Question: Find .

My solution:

Great, we have the expression! Solving it is the problem

The formula

helps.

How can I do the rest? There are two options, both run some huge calculations.
One is to use the tangent addition formula which I forgot and have to derive from sine and cosine addition formulas... but that will be too long for tests like this in China. I didn't Wikipedia it, it's cheating.
So I use calculus!


(huge amount of calculation omitted, I believe it's around the same if I use the tangent addition formula if I remembered it.

There is a elegant geometry solution[Chinese]. This problem cost me few hours, most of the time spending on search for a geometric solution. I finally give up at around 3:30 AM and go with the brutal force "Find all angles and bash the numbers out of arctans."
I would totally fail the real test. I'm questioning myself do I have math talent at all...
Have to improve my geometry skills.

A while ago, I have made an post that lead many Chinese people to attack me on this blog. It got really a huge volume, I have to congratulate those Chinese people for their effort, and I like to organize a rebut.
Since most of the attackers suck at English and I'm not a perfect English speaker, I will make my post in Chinese so it makes both you and my life easier.

English only speakers, I'm sorry but this post is not for you, I will not offer an English translation.

我看了一下回复,只有两种回复:
1. 人身攻击的回复
2. 有论点的回复

很可惜,大多回复都是人身攻击的回复. 而大多人身攻击的人连攻击我的原因都没有给.

攻击我家庭的人:
很可惜. 我没有什么好回复的. 你对我家里人有不满,你在他们面前骂.

认为 我是叛徒的人:
叛徒的定义是什么?
叛徒就是叛变者.
叛变是一个罪, 危害国家利益的就是叛变.
我的国家是什么? 我的国家是澳大利亚.
我是中国出身,我有中国血统,但是我不是中国公民. 如果我出什么事情,中国根本不会帮我, 因为我是澳大利亚国籍. 对中国来说,我的死活和他一点关系都没有.

说我 忘记祖宗:
真的,祖宗和我什么关系? 难道我见到一个单细胞生物就要低头跪拜?
"这个生物和所有人类一样...都是由最初的生物进化而来的. 可能是我的堂堂堂....哥...还是姐? 唔,这个细胞没有性别耶?"
人类是很奇怪的东西...说祖宗,到底哪一层算是祖宗,多少层以后不是祖宗呢? 人凭什么一出生有那么多责任? 你贡献给我了,我感激你,我会贡献给你. 你没有贡献给我,但是我愿意贡献给你,我就贡献给你. 除此以外,我没有责任.
说国家,都是人定义的...爱国比爱省重要么? 那么爱国和爱世界比起来哪一个更重要? 如果都是爱国重要,为什么国那么重要? 是爱国重要还是爱族系重要? 是爱人民重要还是爱国重要? 是爱人重要还是爱国重要? 将人放在国前面么? 是尊严重要还是人民的和谐生活重要?
对我来说,爱自己最重要, 祖宗我见过几个? 哪个祖宗在我需要的时候帮助我? 没有.
人只能帮助自己.

说我 也是中国人
没错. 我也是我现在学校的人,但是我天天说我们学校的人数学能力很差,和其他学校比起来差多了. "难道你不是我们学校的人?" "是的, 但是我的数学能力很好,整个世界无敌?"
不好听的话没有人喜欢听.

以为 我认为白人是优等种族:
我认为混血是优等种族,一切纯种都没有混血优等. 白人不比亚洲人好. 亚洲人也不比白人好. 问问你们生物系的,什么叫做"杂交优势".

喜欢人身攻击的人:
没有意义,说明不了什么.我不删(除重贴)你们人身攻击的一切,这样可以让其他人看到,了解你们的品德.

说我不喜欢中国为什么要在中国呆很久:
我不喜欢中国制度而已,我喜欢中国其他东西.
我喜欢牛肉粉丝.芜湖混沌也是非常美味的.如果你有机会去芜湖,一定要吃呢里的东西.

说我写文章的时候正在中国:
没有错,我写哪篇文章的时候我正在中国. 当时看到其他人发和这个有关的东西,感觉有意思,也就发来了和其他人分享.

以下几点我要澄清:
1. 我不认为中国人多么了不起. 我完全不喜欢用种族划分集体. 我喜欢用兴趣和水平划分集体.
2. 我不喜欢极端爱国主义. 对我来说,国家是人为定义的, 而且定义的不好.
3. 我不在美国MIT读数学,我只说了我希望进入美国MIT读数学和计算机科学,如果你看到帖子说我在MIT,那就是帖子发表者理解错误.我没有什么了不起的,一般人一个,和王千源比,她比我强, 她至少进了Duke. 我以後在哪里未知数.
4. 看我的原贴. 大概意思是:

我很喜欢他能将一堆中国人弄得非常愤怒然后开始漫骂. 我学了很多骂人的方法. 且,我感觉到英语不好的人开英语网站做英语的投票很搞笑.

我用嘲笑的方式看待这件事情, 没有特别攻击人的目的. 我主要感到所有人把这个事情看得那么重太搞笑了. 就算见到一个T-shirt上面说我是白痴,我也一笑而过. 如果我心情好+有时间,和他们理论. 但是弄一个网站开始投票就太认真了. 这种事情没有正确和错误的,又不是数学题.
5. 后面其他人开始回复,开始是一堆反中国的人说话,我只有顺便回复一下.
6. 然后,因为反中国言论出现,开始吸引其他类型的人,最后结果就是种族歧视,国家尊严,西藏独立之类的东西.
7. 然后骂人的就来了,因为我没有保护中国. 任由这堆人说话,甚至最后我说"可能共产主义是好事情,因为现在中国所谓的"大学生"之类的青年人控制国家可能会引起战争." 愤青太多, 你不信, 我只能用我的经验说话,错了我自己也没有办法.
8. 我让他们说,自由言论. 我不保护中国,因为我没有需要花时间想方法和他辩论,我不是天天没事做的人. 注意,不是人身攻击他们. 人身攻击简单, 2秒我就能骂他全家. 可惜,这个不是辩论, 这个只能将人的注意力转到没有用的地方去. 就像我给出一个数学的证明,结果其中有一步是错的.你发现了,其他人没有. 你骂我白痴. 但是其他人并没有得到什么. 你发泄了而已,让你自己感觉到你高人一等而已.
9. 哪个国家更民主? 美国还是中国? 我的意见, 美国. 你不服, 告诉我. 我们来讨论.
10. 我是否更喜欢白人? 概率问题,和我遇到同种类人的多少和多少人让我有好感之比为定. 中国内地都有"上海人", "北京人"这样之分, 我没有遇到过太多,所以我也不好说. 具体来说,我不喜欢我遇到的大多人.我对 99%的人类都没有好感. 我只对给我好处或者非常有能力的人有好感.
11. 我不偏瘫某个种族的人,我偏瘫我喜欢的人. 我喜欢个体而不是集体. 因为人也是一个集体,如果可以将人切成一段一段的,我都可以告诉你哪些我喜欢哪些我不喜欢.
12. 并且,我感觉尊严是这个世界上最扯的事情. 都是个人把自己看得太重要,太了不起的结果. 我认为,人类都不是什么了不起的东西,全是宇宙中可有可无的沙子.
13. 我能理解很多人喜欢和自己血缘或者地理关系近的人在一起,如"中国人","安徽人"和"老乡". 这些人你会更容易亲近. 我没有这个感觉,所以有人攻击这群人我并不会怎么维护他们. 这不是数学, 没有理由较劲.

如果你们现在想要骂, 随便. 放在这里,更容易整理. 显示一下你们的人生态度.

突然想到了,就算我写出长篇大论,你们也不看,也会跳过直接骂我. 我何必关心. 你们有时间自己耗着吧. 过了今天再说我就不会回答了.